Notes Regarding Grief that Might Be Helpful
The effect of grief is:
depression, pain/emptiness, ADD and stress all hitting at once.
There is talk about grief cycle. It is real, but it is not 1,2,3 steps. It is rollercoaster, terror tunnel and every other disjointed activity combined.
Books that probably everyone should read: (Leaders should get a copy for themselves and the church should buy some to pass around.)
Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey
Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert, Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Bills
(This is an illustrated book, but don’t dismiss it as being for children.
Read it thoroughly and note the lists.)
General Information about Grief
TABLE OF CONTENTS
The Grief Cycle
Faith & Grief & Questions
Attached:
Grief Cycle by Hess/McCulley
Grief– A Tangled Ball of Emotions by H. Norman Wright
1. IT IS IN OUR NATURE TO ASK “WHY?”
Key Point: The entire book of Job is dedicated to the question of “Why”. And the answer is “God is God and we aren’t and there are mysteries that we will never understand this side of eternity.” We don’t like that answer. We, like Job, want to demand that God answer this question.
In Luke 13, Jesus was asked about the death of some Galilean worshippers. Pilate, perhaps in retaliation for the ambushing of Roman soldiers by radical Zealots, ordered the slaughter of some Galileans while they were offering sacrifices in the Temple courtyard. Think of it. They are on holy ground, doing the right thing, offering sacrifices to God– and yet they suffered a brutal death.
So people were wondering if there was a reason. Was it a sign? Was it God’s punishment for secret sin? Jesus’ answer may be unsatisfying to us. His answer seems to be, (Doug’s paraphrase) “There was no message in this except– life is short make sure you are right with God or you will perish.” He then mentioned 18 who died in a construction accident and repeated his comment.
Conclusion: Jesus said that God allows the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. (Matt 5:45) Apparently, for many things in life, blessings and disappointments come to both the righteous and the unrighteous. Don’t be surprised by this. The New Testament never teaches that Christians will be exempt from suffering and grief.
2. CAUTIONS
HERE is the caution for us ALL,
because we want to make sense of it, because we feel the need to say something, we have all been like Job’s poor comforters. We have all been guilty of giving advice, clichés, spiritual jargon, etc. instead of just weeping with those who weep.
Shortest verse in the Bible? “Jesus wept.” Lesson from that verse… don’t give into our desire to fix things, but rather be compassionate and feel with people who are hurting.
In the context of John 11:33-36, Jesus, seeing those who are weeping, could have said, “Don’t be troubled. God is in control. Have faith. In fact, I will have it all fixed in 15, 20 minutes tops.” Instead, Jesus refrained from talking and lived the teaching– “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 14.15).
ONE MORE STATEMENT about Why? Yes God will take sorrow and pain and use them for good (Romans 8:28) but be extremely cautious about trying to say God caused the pain to work something good. When I was younger, for example, I could picture myself saying to a grieving family after the death of a child, “God must have needed a special angel in heaven.” In sitting with grieving parents over the years, let me assure you, words like that are not helpful and often hurt.
AGAIN, refrain from trying to explain or fix the Why?.
3. Words Matter– Words of Encouragement
Say:
“I care.” “I’m so sorry.”
“There is so little to say, except we love you.”
“We hurt for you.”
“I would like to give a specific appropriate offer for you.”
After some time has passed.
“What are some of your favorite memories…”
“Are there some pictures… or what were your favorites?”
“One of my favorite memories of your loved one was …”
“The thing I appreciated the most about him/her…”
“Is there a time of day or situation is the hardest so I can pray for you then.”
4.THINGS TO AVOID:
We have all done the following but …
AVOID SAYING “At least…” or some other words that try to give a reason or explanation of how it could have been worse. (A grieving person may say this as they are trying to cope and we can agree “Yes, that’s true.” But when we say it to a grieving person it is as if you are trying to discount their pain.)
It sounds like you’re saying, “Try to look on the bright side of things.”
AVOID SAYING “If only…” Again they may say this, but please don’t add to the rushing thoughts that the person is already thinking.
AVOID GRAND SUMMARY STATEMENTS. Don’t try to explain the inexplicable. Think of it, even God didn’t do that with Job! Stick with the simple words of compassion.
We have all done this to others but we should NEVER SAY “I know how you feel.” And especially “I know exactly how you feel.” (Oh, really. When did you become omniscient?)
Repeating NEVER SAY “I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.” The closest you should come to this is saying “I can’t even imagine how you must feel.”
5.WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING?
(From Maturity Is a Choice)
If someone is talking to you about their pain, Dr. Wright suggests
1. Begin where the bereaved person is and not where you think he should be at this point in his life. Do not place your expectations for behavior upon him. He may be more upset or more depressed that you feel he should be, but that is where he is nonetheless.
2. Clarify his expressed feelings with him. This can be done by restating his words in your own words. Help him surface his emotions. You might say, "You know, I haven't seen you cry for a week. If I were in your situation, I would probably feel like crying."
3. Empathize-- feel with him.
4. Be sensitive to his feelings and don't say too much. Joe Bayly gave this suggestion: "Sensitivity in the presence of grief should usually make us more silent, more listening.
"'I'm sorry,' is honest; 'I know how you feel,' is not.... An arm about the shoulder, a firm grip of the hand: these are the proofs grief needs, not logical reasoning."[i]
5. Don't use faulty reassurances with the person such as, "You'll feel better in a few days," or "It won't hurt so much after a while." How do we know that?
Remember not to give up helping the person too soon. The grief has been described in this way: "It seems when the initial paralyzing shock begins to wear off, the bereaved slowly returns to consciousness like a person coming out of a deep coma. Senses and feelings return gradually, but mingled in the good vibrations of being alive and alert again is the frightening pain of reality. It is precisely at this time when friends, assuming the bereaved is doing just fine, stop praying, stop calling, and stop doing all those little kind things that help so much."[ii]
This is applicable in general, not just when someone is grieving over the loss of a loved one. Most of the time, people do not need advice, analyzing, platitudes, or their problems solved for them. They need to be heard, validated and understood.[iii] Those who are grieving need to be encouraged to feel the pain and express any confusion they might be experiencing.
In short, listen or just be there quietly in the silence. Some of the best communicating we do is without words. Value the grieving by allowing them to grieve.
Often well-meaning Christians invalidate the pain of others by attacking them with "Bible bullets." Yes, God is in charge, and all things will eventually work out for good, but it is cruel to spout Bible verses at people who are in pain. We are to grieve with those who grieve! Again, Jesus wept with those who were grieving over Lazarus. He did not lecture them on their lack of faith nor did He try to get them to quit crying since He was going to "fix" everything. He apparently was moved to tears because He felt their grief. He also felt grief of his own.
6. GRIEF
BOOK EXCERPT from Maturity Is a Choice, Karol Hess & Doug McCulley
From Chapter 7.
People describe grieving with words like: sorrow, sadness, regret, melancholy, misery, heartache, affliction, gloom, despair, anguish, despondency, pain, worry, anxiety, agony, torture, lament, yearning, languish, longing for, broken-heartedness, distress, suffering, rage, anger, and emptiness.
Grieving is “digesting” these losses. It is a process in which losses are absorbed, pain is felt, adjustments are made, and new life is begun. It is a type of death and resurrection experience for us. Part of us dies, but that part can later be gradually brought back to life.
Understanding the grief process is important because it validates a normal experience of living. Grieving knocks us off-balance. If we have never known this experience before, it can be extremely frightening. The pain and sorrow can be so overwhelming that we may question our sanity, and even our faith.
The Grief Cycle Grieving seems to follow a pattern that is commonly called the grief cycle which is composed of seven stages. For the sake of clarity, let's apply the grieving cycle to a situation in which someone close to us has died of a heart attack. Grieving begins with the shock of the event, tragedy, disappointment, or loss.
PLEASE NOTE: People do not go through the stages step 1, then, step 2, etc. It is more like we bounce from one element to another from moment to moment. For example, we may be accepting of our loss and worked through much of the grief, but an anniversary or a triggering smell, word, thought, etc. may send us back to thoughts of denial or anger or depression.
Denial The first phase that we experience is a time of denial in which we are in a state of bewilderment, panic, disbelief and confusion. At the same time, we may be forced to make many important decisions, and make them quickly. This phase may last days, weeks, or even months. It’s almost as if you have gasped for breath and are still holding your breath in. You’re emotionally paralyzed for a while. When you finally exhale, the reality of the circumstance and the pain associated with it begins to register.
Anger Anger is the usual response to the tragedy and pain. We resent this event, this disruption of our lives. We miss the person and feel that it is not fair that they have been taken from us. We’re angry at God for not preventing this. We know He could have done so if He had wanted to, and we angrily wonder why He did not. Sometimes we are furious at the person or situation that caused the tragedy. We may even be angry at the deceased for having left. We hate the pain and are angry for feeling so devastated. We feel that we do not deserve this misery, and someone has got to be blamed for it. We begin to resent others for being happy while we suffer. We may even be hostile to those who offer genuine support.
This time of anger is like an allergic reaction to this new event in our lives. We hate it, and we are fighting against it, resisting it, and trying to drive it away. We have a surge of energy that is welling up inside us and needs to burst out. In our helpless rage, we may even scream and throw things. Along with our outbursts of anger, we may cry uncontrollably, off and on for days on end. In fact, during this time of intense emotional release, we can even become physically sick.
Bargaining In the lull between the rages, we have energy to think and to ponder in an attempt to figure things out. We begin to bargain (we think) with ourselves, with God and even with reality. Bargaining is a mental exercise in which we try to make some sense of or to gain some control over something that is out of our control. We may feel guilty and think things like, “If I had only we went to the doctor sooner or maybe to a different doctor," “If only I had been a better wife (husband, parent, child) maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” We may believe, “If I had been a better Christian, maybe God wouldn’t have let this happen.” We may also rationalize with clichés like, “God must have needed him more in heaven.” or “Only the good die young.”
This bargaining phase is a way of trying to resolve what is in fact, unresolvable. We seem to need to exhaust every possible train of thought. We seem to think, “If I can just determine why this happened, then I can go on with my life.” This search for the answer to our “whys” will go on until we run out of ideas or until the search leaves us completely exhausted. Throughout this process we feel frustrated and confused, and when we run out of plausible explanations of why the event has happened, we are depressed.
Depression Depression is often called anger turned inward or emotional exhaustion. In this phase of the grief cycle, we often feel isolated and alone, even in the presence of others. We feel that no one, even God, understands or even cares. We can identify with the words of Jesus, “Why have You forsaken me?” We have lost interest in our friendships, and usual activities have completely lost their meaning. Despair sets in. Everything is overwhelming, and it is a struggle to accomplish even the simplest of chores. We have difficulty concentrating because our minds are entirely preoccupied with our loneliness and pain. We tell ourselves, “No one has ever felt as bad as this, and no one could even begin to understand how I feel,” and we believe it, even though we intellectually know that this cannot be true.
Depression is a black hole that swallows us up. In the dark, we feel that we have lost all meaning, direction, not to mention hope. We have lost all sense of balance. We feel that nothing is worth anything, and we want to be left alone to die in peace. We feel that the very air has been sucked out of our lungs and we have no energy to go on. Depression is silent agony, and we can see no end in sight.
But somehow, out of the blackness and cold of winter comes spring, and with spring the renewal of life. The black of night slowly fades; eventually the pain is not as severe, as we begin to accept the reality of the situation.
Acceptance Acceptance of a situation does not mean that we like what happened or think it is right or fair; it is merely the acknowledgment of what is. It is the first step toward living again. As sorrow lessens its grip, we occasionally begin to think about the future and its possibilities. We begin to try new things. We start to be more comfortable with people and to accept genuine offers of help. It’s almost like we think, “I’m not going to survive this, but I can try to make the best of it.”
Readjustment Readjustment is the phase where hope begins to return. We begin to feel strong again as we begin new routines and activities. We accept new responsibilities and initiate contact with others. We have survived a long, hard struggle in which we were fighting for our very lives. We had become so emotionally depleted that we had literally shut down. But now, we have healed enough to be able to re-enter the world. We start to feel and think, “I might actually survive this after all.”
Gaining Confidence As we learn new skills and try things we previously didn’t think we could possibly do, we gain confidence as we think, “I am going to survive this and I can move forward with my life.” Purpose and meaning return after a long dark winter of despair. We have found our bearings again and we begin to move forward with a renewed enthusiasm for life.
Tragedy and grief are a part of life, just as are celebrations and joy. They impact us without our permission but, over time, lend us perspective. Crises cause us to re-evaluate our beliefs and to bring them into alignment with reality. We see life as we never have before. We understand people as never before. A little more compassion, strength, tolerance, empathy, insight and understanding has been added to our character. We are broader and deeper than we were before.
Going through the grief cycle takes time. Knowing information about the grief cycle does help but does not necessarily shorten our time in it, unfortunately. Different losses require different amounts of grieving. Children (and adults) grieve over the loss of pets, and this too can take time, before the process is complete. The grieving over the end of a relationship also takes a considerable amount of time. The grieving associated with the death of a loved one will usually take a minimum of two years. The grieving over an unwanted divorce may take seven years. The death of a child is perhaps the most devastating loss anyone could ever experience. If this tragedy happens to you, you will grieve over it, in some ways, for the rest of your life.
FAITH & GRIEF
Are Faith and Grief Mutually Exclusive?
Sometimes people only quote the first part of I Thessalonians 4:13 telling others to “Grieve not,” inferring that we should not grieve if we are Christians. The rest of the verse includes the words “we do not want you ... to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.” We’re told not to grieve as if this world was all there was.
Grieving is a process of readjustment to reality. Many of the Psalms seem to be a journal or diary in which David expresses his feelings as he processed losses and disappointments in his life. He felt feelings of anger (at times, anger at God), disappointment, isolation, shame and depression— all a part of the grieving process. Jesus grieved over Jerusalem. Jesus cried with those who mourned over Lazarus, even though He knew that He would raise him up.
WHEN IS GRIEVING FINISHED?
"One benchmark of a completed grief reaction is when the person is able to think of the deceased without pain. There is always a sense of sadness when you think of someone that you have loved and lost, but it is a different kind of sadness--it lacks the wrenching quality it previously had. One can think of the deceased without physical manifestations such as intense crying or feeling a tightness in the chest. Also, mourning is finished when a person can reinvest his or her emotions back into life and in the living."[iv]
WHAT ARE NORMAL SYMPTOMS OF GRIEVING?
Normal symptoms of grief can be anger, depression, sickness, sleeplessness, increased need for sleep, loss of appetite, some disorientation and confusion, some panic, a lot of crying, loneliness, some isolation, emotional pain, physical pain, and sickness. (Often illness is due to the fact that, while we are grieving, the immune systems works with less efficiency.)
End of book excerpt
[i]Joseph Bayly, The View From A Hearse: A Christian View of Death (Elgin, Illinois: The David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1969), p. 40.
[ii]Dr. Norman Wright, Training Christians to Counsel (Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 1977), p. 141.
[iii]Karol Hess, Communication and Resistance Workbook (Watchung, NJ: Beacon Light Christian Ministries, 1989), pp. 9-10.
[iv]ibid. p.16.
The effect of grief is:
depression, pain/emptiness, ADD and stress all hitting at once.
There is talk about grief cycle. It is real, but it is not 1,2,3 steps. It is rollercoaster, terror tunnel and every other disjointed activity combined.
Books that probably everyone should read: (Leaders should get a copy for themselves and the church should buy some to pass around.)
Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey
Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert, Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Bills
(This is an illustrated book, but don’t dismiss it as being for children.
Read it thoroughly and note the lists.)
General Information about Grief
TABLE OF CONTENTS
- It Is Our Nature to Ask “Why?”
- Cautions
- Words Matter
- Things to Avoid (that we have all said)
- How Can I Help Someone Who Is Grieving (H. Norman Wright)
- Excerpt from Maturity Is a Choice by Karol Hess/Doug McCulley
The Grief Cycle
Faith & Grief & Questions
Attached:
Grief Cycle by Hess/McCulley
Grief– A Tangled Ball of Emotions by H. Norman Wright
1. IT IS IN OUR NATURE TO ASK “WHY?”
Key Point: The entire book of Job is dedicated to the question of “Why”. And the answer is “God is God and we aren’t and there are mysteries that we will never understand this side of eternity.” We don’t like that answer. We, like Job, want to demand that God answer this question.
In Luke 13, Jesus was asked about the death of some Galilean worshippers. Pilate, perhaps in retaliation for the ambushing of Roman soldiers by radical Zealots, ordered the slaughter of some Galileans while they were offering sacrifices in the Temple courtyard. Think of it. They are on holy ground, doing the right thing, offering sacrifices to God– and yet they suffered a brutal death.
So people were wondering if there was a reason. Was it a sign? Was it God’s punishment for secret sin? Jesus’ answer may be unsatisfying to us. His answer seems to be, (Doug’s paraphrase) “There was no message in this except– life is short make sure you are right with God or you will perish.” He then mentioned 18 who died in a construction accident and repeated his comment.
Conclusion: Jesus said that God allows the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. (Matt 5:45) Apparently, for many things in life, blessings and disappointments come to both the righteous and the unrighteous. Don’t be surprised by this. The New Testament never teaches that Christians will be exempt from suffering and grief.
2. CAUTIONS
HERE is the caution for us ALL,
because we want to make sense of it, because we feel the need to say something, we have all been like Job’s poor comforters. We have all been guilty of giving advice, clichés, spiritual jargon, etc. instead of just weeping with those who weep.
Shortest verse in the Bible? “Jesus wept.” Lesson from that verse… don’t give into our desire to fix things, but rather be compassionate and feel with people who are hurting.
In the context of John 11:33-36, Jesus, seeing those who are weeping, could have said, “Don’t be troubled. God is in control. Have faith. In fact, I will have it all fixed in 15, 20 minutes tops.” Instead, Jesus refrained from talking and lived the teaching– “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 14.15).
ONE MORE STATEMENT about Why? Yes God will take sorrow and pain and use them for good (Romans 8:28) but be extremely cautious about trying to say God caused the pain to work something good. When I was younger, for example, I could picture myself saying to a grieving family after the death of a child, “God must have needed a special angel in heaven.” In sitting with grieving parents over the years, let me assure you, words like that are not helpful and often hurt.
AGAIN, refrain from trying to explain or fix the Why?.
3. Words Matter– Words of Encouragement
Say:
“I care.” “I’m so sorry.”
“There is so little to say, except we love you.”
“We hurt for you.”
“I would like to give a specific appropriate offer for you.”
After some time has passed.
“What are some of your favorite memories…”
“Are there some pictures… or what were your favorites?”
“One of my favorite memories of your loved one was …”
“The thing I appreciated the most about him/her…”
“Is there a time of day or situation is the hardest so I can pray for you then.”
4.THINGS TO AVOID:
We have all done the following but …
AVOID SAYING “At least…” or some other words that try to give a reason or explanation of how it could have been worse. (A grieving person may say this as they are trying to cope and we can agree “Yes, that’s true.” But when we say it to a grieving person it is as if you are trying to discount their pain.)
It sounds like you’re saying, “Try to look on the bright side of things.”
AVOID SAYING “If only…” Again they may say this, but please don’t add to the rushing thoughts that the person is already thinking.
AVOID GRAND SUMMARY STATEMENTS. Don’t try to explain the inexplicable. Think of it, even God didn’t do that with Job! Stick with the simple words of compassion.
We have all done this to others but we should NEVER SAY “I know how you feel.” And especially “I know exactly how you feel.” (Oh, really. When did you become omniscient?)
Repeating NEVER SAY “I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.” The closest you should come to this is saying “I can’t even imagine how you must feel.”
5.WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING?
(From Maturity Is a Choice)
If someone is talking to you about their pain, Dr. Wright suggests
1. Begin where the bereaved person is and not where you think he should be at this point in his life. Do not place your expectations for behavior upon him. He may be more upset or more depressed that you feel he should be, but that is where he is nonetheless.
2. Clarify his expressed feelings with him. This can be done by restating his words in your own words. Help him surface his emotions. You might say, "You know, I haven't seen you cry for a week. If I were in your situation, I would probably feel like crying."
3. Empathize-- feel with him.
4. Be sensitive to his feelings and don't say too much. Joe Bayly gave this suggestion: "Sensitivity in the presence of grief should usually make us more silent, more listening.
"'I'm sorry,' is honest; 'I know how you feel,' is not.... An arm about the shoulder, a firm grip of the hand: these are the proofs grief needs, not logical reasoning."[i]
5. Don't use faulty reassurances with the person such as, "You'll feel better in a few days," or "It won't hurt so much after a while." How do we know that?
Remember not to give up helping the person too soon. The grief has been described in this way: "It seems when the initial paralyzing shock begins to wear off, the bereaved slowly returns to consciousness like a person coming out of a deep coma. Senses and feelings return gradually, but mingled in the good vibrations of being alive and alert again is the frightening pain of reality. It is precisely at this time when friends, assuming the bereaved is doing just fine, stop praying, stop calling, and stop doing all those little kind things that help so much."[ii]
This is applicable in general, not just when someone is grieving over the loss of a loved one. Most of the time, people do not need advice, analyzing, platitudes, or their problems solved for them. They need to be heard, validated and understood.[iii] Those who are grieving need to be encouraged to feel the pain and express any confusion they might be experiencing.
In short, listen or just be there quietly in the silence. Some of the best communicating we do is without words. Value the grieving by allowing them to grieve.
Often well-meaning Christians invalidate the pain of others by attacking them with "Bible bullets." Yes, God is in charge, and all things will eventually work out for good, but it is cruel to spout Bible verses at people who are in pain. We are to grieve with those who grieve! Again, Jesus wept with those who were grieving over Lazarus. He did not lecture them on their lack of faith nor did He try to get them to quit crying since He was going to "fix" everything. He apparently was moved to tears because He felt their grief. He also felt grief of his own.
6. GRIEF
BOOK EXCERPT from Maturity Is a Choice, Karol Hess & Doug McCulley
From Chapter 7.
People describe grieving with words like: sorrow, sadness, regret, melancholy, misery, heartache, affliction, gloom, despair, anguish, despondency, pain, worry, anxiety, agony, torture, lament, yearning, languish, longing for, broken-heartedness, distress, suffering, rage, anger, and emptiness.
Grieving is “digesting” these losses. It is a process in which losses are absorbed, pain is felt, adjustments are made, and new life is begun. It is a type of death and resurrection experience for us. Part of us dies, but that part can later be gradually brought back to life.
Understanding the grief process is important because it validates a normal experience of living. Grieving knocks us off-balance. If we have never known this experience before, it can be extremely frightening. The pain and sorrow can be so overwhelming that we may question our sanity, and even our faith.
The Grief Cycle Grieving seems to follow a pattern that is commonly called the grief cycle which is composed of seven stages. For the sake of clarity, let's apply the grieving cycle to a situation in which someone close to us has died of a heart attack. Grieving begins with the shock of the event, tragedy, disappointment, or loss.
PLEASE NOTE: People do not go through the stages step 1, then, step 2, etc. It is more like we bounce from one element to another from moment to moment. For example, we may be accepting of our loss and worked through much of the grief, but an anniversary or a triggering smell, word, thought, etc. may send us back to thoughts of denial or anger or depression.
Denial The first phase that we experience is a time of denial in which we are in a state of bewilderment, panic, disbelief and confusion. At the same time, we may be forced to make many important decisions, and make them quickly. This phase may last days, weeks, or even months. It’s almost as if you have gasped for breath and are still holding your breath in. You’re emotionally paralyzed for a while. When you finally exhale, the reality of the circumstance and the pain associated with it begins to register.
Anger Anger is the usual response to the tragedy and pain. We resent this event, this disruption of our lives. We miss the person and feel that it is not fair that they have been taken from us. We’re angry at God for not preventing this. We know He could have done so if He had wanted to, and we angrily wonder why He did not. Sometimes we are furious at the person or situation that caused the tragedy. We may even be angry at the deceased for having left. We hate the pain and are angry for feeling so devastated. We feel that we do not deserve this misery, and someone has got to be blamed for it. We begin to resent others for being happy while we suffer. We may even be hostile to those who offer genuine support.
This time of anger is like an allergic reaction to this new event in our lives. We hate it, and we are fighting against it, resisting it, and trying to drive it away. We have a surge of energy that is welling up inside us and needs to burst out. In our helpless rage, we may even scream and throw things. Along with our outbursts of anger, we may cry uncontrollably, off and on for days on end. In fact, during this time of intense emotional release, we can even become physically sick.
Bargaining In the lull between the rages, we have energy to think and to ponder in an attempt to figure things out. We begin to bargain (we think) with ourselves, with God and even with reality. Bargaining is a mental exercise in which we try to make some sense of or to gain some control over something that is out of our control. We may feel guilty and think things like, “If I had only we went to the doctor sooner or maybe to a different doctor," “If only I had been a better wife (husband, parent, child) maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” We may believe, “If I had been a better Christian, maybe God wouldn’t have let this happen.” We may also rationalize with clichés like, “God must have needed him more in heaven.” or “Only the good die young.”
This bargaining phase is a way of trying to resolve what is in fact, unresolvable. We seem to need to exhaust every possible train of thought. We seem to think, “If I can just determine why this happened, then I can go on with my life.” This search for the answer to our “whys” will go on until we run out of ideas or until the search leaves us completely exhausted. Throughout this process we feel frustrated and confused, and when we run out of plausible explanations of why the event has happened, we are depressed.
Depression Depression is often called anger turned inward or emotional exhaustion. In this phase of the grief cycle, we often feel isolated and alone, even in the presence of others. We feel that no one, even God, understands or even cares. We can identify with the words of Jesus, “Why have You forsaken me?” We have lost interest in our friendships, and usual activities have completely lost their meaning. Despair sets in. Everything is overwhelming, and it is a struggle to accomplish even the simplest of chores. We have difficulty concentrating because our minds are entirely preoccupied with our loneliness and pain. We tell ourselves, “No one has ever felt as bad as this, and no one could even begin to understand how I feel,” and we believe it, even though we intellectually know that this cannot be true.
Depression is a black hole that swallows us up. In the dark, we feel that we have lost all meaning, direction, not to mention hope. We have lost all sense of balance. We feel that nothing is worth anything, and we want to be left alone to die in peace. We feel that the very air has been sucked out of our lungs and we have no energy to go on. Depression is silent agony, and we can see no end in sight.
But somehow, out of the blackness and cold of winter comes spring, and with spring the renewal of life. The black of night slowly fades; eventually the pain is not as severe, as we begin to accept the reality of the situation.
Acceptance Acceptance of a situation does not mean that we like what happened or think it is right or fair; it is merely the acknowledgment of what is. It is the first step toward living again. As sorrow lessens its grip, we occasionally begin to think about the future and its possibilities. We begin to try new things. We start to be more comfortable with people and to accept genuine offers of help. It’s almost like we think, “I’m not going to survive this, but I can try to make the best of it.”
Readjustment Readjustment is the phase where hope begins to return. We begin to feel strong again as we begin new routines and activities. We accept new responsibilities and initiate contact with others. We have survived a long, hard struggle in which we were fighting for our very lives. We had become so emotionally depleted that we had literally shut down. But now, we have healed enough to be able to re-enter the world. We start to feel and think, “I might actually survive this after all.”
Gaining Confidence As we learn new skills and try things we previously didn’t think we could possibly do, we gain confidence as we think, “I am going to survive this and I can move forward with my life.” Purpose and meaning return after a long dark winter of despair. We have found our bearings again and we begin to move forward with a renewed enthusiasm for life.
Tragedy and grief are a part of life, just as are celebrations and joy. They impact us without our permission but, over time, lend us perspective. Crises cause us to re-evaluate our beliefs and to bring them into alignment with reality. We see life as we never have before. We understand people as never before. A little more compassion, strength, tolerance, empathy, insight and understanding has been added to our character. We are broader and deeper than we were before.
Going through the grief cycle takes time. Knowing information about the grief cycle does help but does not necessarily shorten our time in it, unfortunately. Different losses require different amounts of grieving. Children (and adults) grieve over the loss of pets, and this too can take time, before the process is complete. The grieving over the end of a relationship also takes a considerable amount of time. The grieving associated with the death of a loved one will usually take a minimum of two years. The grieving over an unwanted divorce may take seven years. The death of a child is perhaps the most devastating loss anyone could ever experience. If this tragedy happens to you, you will grieve over it, in some ways, for the rest of your life.
FAITH & GRIEF
Are Faith and Grief Mutually Exclusive?
Sometimes people only quote the first part of I Thessalonians 4:13 telling others to “Grieve not,” inferring that we should not grieve if we are Christians. The rest of the verse includes the words “we do not want you ... to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.” We’re told not to grieve as if this world was all there was.
Grieving is a process of readjustment to reality. Many of the Psalms seem to be a journal or diary in which David expresses his feelings as he processed losses and disappointments in his life. He felt feelings of anger (at times, anger at God), disappointment, isolation, shame and depression— all a part of the grieving process. Jesus grieved over Jerusalem. Jesus cried with those who mourned over Lazarus, even though He knew that He would raise him up.
WHEN IS GRIEVING FINISHED?
"One benchmark of a completed grief reaction is when the person is able to think of the deceased without pain. There is always a sense of sadness when you think of someone that you have loved and lost, but it is a different kind of sadness--it lacks the wrenching quality it previously had. One can think of the deceased without physical manifestations such as intense crying or feeling a tightness in the chest. Also, mourning is finished when a person can reinvest his or her emotions back into life and in the living."[iv]
WHAT ARE NORMAL SYMPTOMS OF GRIEVING?
Normal symptoms of grief can be anger, depression, sickness, sleeplessness, increased need for sleep, loss of appetite, some disorientation and confusion, some panic, a lot of crying, loneliness, some isolation, emotional pain, physical pain, and sickness. (Often illness is due to the fact that, while we are grieving, the immune systems works with less efficiency.)
End of book excerpt
[i]Joseph Bayly, The View From A Hearse: A Christian View of Death (Elgin, Illinois: The David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1969), p. 40.
[ii]Dr. Norman Wright, Training Christians to Counsel (Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 1977), p. 141.
[iii]Karol Hess, Communication and Resistance Workbook (Watchung, NJ: Beacon Light Christian Ministries, 1989), pp. 9-10.
[iv]ibid. p.16.
