Empathy Is Not Enabling
Empathy not Enabling
In a previous article I described the importance of Empathy.
Empathy is a practice of compassion.
It helps us to truly listen to another person without being quick to judge.
Please consider some additional principles.
1. Know the Difference Between a Thought and a Feeling.
One of the biggest obstacles in communication is the failure to discern the difference between thoughts and feelings.
We seem to be unable to differentiate them within ourselves--
in fact, we often share our thoughts by saying, “I feel that…” instead of “I think”--
and therefore we are unable to hear the difference when listening to others.
THOUGHTS (Ideas) Facts; Opinions; Memories; Experiences; Personal Preferences; Goals; Dreams.
Thoughts are complete sentences— “I think …” “In my opinion …” “I like, prefer …”
“The way I see it …” “I remember it as …” “The facts as I understand them are …”
“I wish that …” “I might be wrong, but I thought that …”
HINT: Usually, even if one is totally confident that he is right-- leave room for self-error.
Exception: when dealing with crazy-making behavior (see crazy-making article.)
EMOTIONS (Feelings) — How is this affecting me? Am I … anxious/fearful or confident;
angry or affectionate; disappointed/hurt/sad or satisfied/whole; alone/shamed or accepted; insignificant or important; useless/frustrated or productive?
Big HINT: Emotions are usually one word. (Occasionally a phrase: imposed upon, taken advantage of.)
The reason this is so important to good communication is:
Empathy Is Not be confused with Approval, Agreement or Enabling
Empathy is trying to understand what it is like for another person. It does not mean that we think the other person is correct, right or that we approve of what they are doing.
One may empathize but then clarification, discernment, correction, guidance, discipline, accountability and even tough-love may be appropriate.
An important concept for parents is detaching with love. We must learn that it is sometimes appropriate to not feel badly about a child having to bear the consequences for their choices. Being dispassionate about a temporary penalty doesn’t mean that we don’t care.
© Doug McCulley, 2015, www.dougmcculley.com
email: doug.newjersey@yahoo.com
In a previous article I described the importance of Empathy.
Empathy is a practice of compassion.
It helps us to truly listen to another person without being quick to judge.
Please consider some additional principles.
1. Know the Difference Between a Thought and a Feeling.
One of the biggest obstacles in communication is the failure to discern the difference between thoughts and feelings.
We seem to be unable to differentiate them within ourselves--
in fact, we often share our thoughts by saying, “I feel that…” instead of “I think”--
and therefore we are unable to hear the difference when listening to others.
THOUGHTS (Ideas) Facts; Opinions; Memories; Experiences; Personal Preferences; Goals; Dreams.
Thoughts are complete sentences— “I think …” “In my opinion …” “I like, prefer …”
“The way I see it …” “I remember it as …” “The facts as I understand them are …”
“I wish that …” “I might be wrong, but I thought that …”
HINT: Usually, even if one is totally confident that he is right-- leave room for self-error.
Exception: when dealing with crazy-making behavior (see crazy-making article.)
EMOTIONS (Feelings) — How is this affecting me? Am I … anxious/fearful or confident;
angry or affectionate; disappointed/hurt/sad or satisfied/whole; alone/shamed or accepted; insignificant or important; useless/frustrated or productive?
Big HINT: Emotions are usually one word. (Occasionally a phrase: imposed upon, taken advantage of.)
The reason this is so important to good communication is:
- Thoughts/opinions can be understood then discussed/debated, researched.
- Feelings/emotions are to be more validated, understood, accepted.
Empathy Is Not be confused with Approval, Agreement or Enabling
Empathy is trying to understand what it is like for another person. It does not mean that we think the other person is correct, right or that we approve of what they are doing.
One may empathize but then clarification, discernment, correction, guidance, discipline, accountability and even tough-love may be appropriate.
An important concept for parents is detaching with love. We must learn that it is sometimes appropriate to not feel badly about a child having to bear the consequences for their choices. Being dispassionate about a temporary penalty doesn’t mean that we don’t care.
© Doug McCulley, 2015, www.dougmcculley.com
email: doug.newjersey@yahoo.com